whatcha say

shall start with happier things!

open house was great! hahahaha freaking great climbs.......... val!
i didn't try the new blue. was really scared hahahaa. like, what, no bridging how to rest. if i couldnt rest i'd die. so...... i said that i couldnt, but felt like i was lying to myself.
okay. done.

eh open house so fun why i have so little to say =.=
okay never mind emo post la.

******

oh then went home then went out to "study".
eh we did okay. ahaha like, for a bit. then we started talking.
loved the talking time, like i mean, we're not besties or something but it's really enjoyable talking like that to you girls, to understand you more.
i sound so emotional. and pervertic.
but i wish there could be more of these times. to y'know, talk and laugh.

rhyming, huh?
laughed till my non-existent abs hurt madly.
"rhyming is not good for your health."
"but it brings you wealth."

*hysterics*

"i wonder if shakespear was rich"
both : "he's a bitch"

*more hysterics*

ouch my non-existent abs.

"rhyme this. i miss mr tong"

"but he smells like donkey kong"

why is not funny when i type it out.
this is saddening. it's not funny anymore.

******

on the way home i was on the bus, the song "whatcha say" came on. listened closely to the lyrics for the first time.
i said before that he's such an a.h for cheating and wanting her back, but im sorry, it's just a song, but it's so sad.
it almost sounded like he really loved her and really regrets his decision.
then she sings, whatcha say, you only meant well. of course you did. so what did SHE say?
i felt some parts were really pathetic and felt like, WHAT? he is but a piece of crap and not sincere!

but when i become a star we´ll be living so large
i´ll do anything for you
i know what i did wasn´t clever
but me and you we´re meant to be together

and at some parts i felt so helpless for him, cause he really felt guilty. or.. so i felt.

how could i live with myself
knowing that i let our love go
so let me in, give me another chance
to really be your man
i really need you in my life
cuz things ain´t right girl

i just so much emotions then i could feel, i mean. the song. you know you know.
today when im alone, i felt really heavy. like heavy heart.
sad. sad-ish.

******

when you told me that you were giving up, i couldn't do anything.
couldn't find anything to say.
nothing could be right. it's your choice, but somehow i feel sad at the choice you made.
we are different people, and our parents have different expectations of us, so that's an influence.
i guess im realllly blessed for my parents support me in any choice i would make if i were in your shoes, so i wouldn't mind it as much.
but when you told me that, i just thought of a dead end.
where to, from now?
i have no idea.
after you left, i just sat and stared into space.
what happened? why did it happen?
we all have so many questions, but who are we to ask, right?
im sorry i can't feel what you feel.
the worst thing is after you left and came back, and i was leaving, i was still feeling the after-effects of you telling me that, so i wasn't exactly happy joy joy.
when you called, i was so worried. i knew you didn't want me to be worried, so maybe you lied.
but when i saw you, you.. were you faking that smile?
sorry i couldn't pretend to be happy and smile for you.
sorry i just stared at you.
i just didn't know what to say.
what to do.
cause nothing i do will help anyway.
you were saying something about feelings so helpless?
sorry, i cannot do physically anything for you. if i can, tell me.

don't pretend to be happy or normal.
if you are, that's great. but if you're not, don't.
it's really hard to see you upset, and not knowing what to do to make you feel better.
but it's harder to not be able to tell if you're upset and pretending or really fine.
it's more likely that you're pretending.
and it's more difficult.
sorry, when that happens, sometimes i really cannot face it and help with the problem, so i pretend along with you that you're fine, and we leave it at that.
but we both know that each other's pretending.
okay this is not only for you, but for others too.
happens to most people, i guess.

whatever happens, don't just give in like this.
i know it's damn easy to say, but near impossible to do.
but it's perfectly possible to try.
so don't be a bluegreenyelloworange and keep trying.
no one knows what's next, this is not helping at all, but all the best.
it's not the end yet.