achieve

i learnt something about myself today.
not that i didn't know it before, but it just struck me as a lesson today.

see, it's regarding the ability to push oneself and achieve.

say, for example, in an examination, argh. okay don't actually want to think of academics now.
take climbing, you give your damn best in a competition, it's a "now or never", "miss and lose it" kind of thing, so you push yourself the hardest, you don't compare yourself with anyone else, you just give it your all.
after the results come out then comes the worry about ranking, but what, that's your best already, be satisfied.

but during trainings, (or tests, for the academia), how do we fare?
do we have the, "oh, it's not even the real thing" kind of mindset?
i know i don't, or never studied hard for tests. or even minor exams. oh screw that, not even MCTs.
that aside, i don't give my best during trainings too.
"it's not even the comp, why worry, right?"

that's assuming non-comparison. like, everyone takes the test together, or you don't know how hard a route is kind of thing. (why does this reminds me of ceteris paribus and statistics?)

for me, if someone has achieved something before i attempt it, it really pushes me to, i don't know, compete? as a motivation?
or simply know that it's possible to do it?
if the person is leagues above me, i don't actually get very affected.
but if that someone is on the same level as me, and shows me that it's possible to achieve it, it is greatly demoralising if i cannot achieve the same standard.
over competitive? i think so, and i dislike it. don't like competitive people, don't like to be one.

what if i attempt it first, but failed, and another person manages to do it seemingly with ease? yeah, i get disappointed with myself too. don't even want to evaluate my feelings if i'm wishing for the other to fail =.= no no no.
envious? probably. but it certainly shows me it's possible, and it helps push me to the limit.
did i give up even when i wasn't on the verge of breaking down, or did i give up cause i didn't want to try?

say, another person of my standard achieves a less-than-perfect score, because he/she is like me, not willing to stretch to the max. i will follow their lead, being contented with a similar imperfect score, as long as it's about the same.
"my standard anyway, it's normal."
but then you will never know if you could do it or not. if you gave up or not.
did you try.

this thing just hit me like, wind. yeah.
it's not something to be proud of.
in fact, it's pride in the way, just wanting to better others, and not yourself.

today i finished a blue route i hung on last training. i was happy for a moment, but when i thought about it, it was kind of sobering. like, nothing much has changed. (again ceteris paribus)
you're still tired, you're not any stronger, you're not any less pumped out. yet you still managed to do it only because you know it's possible. why didn't you do it the last time, then?
why?

sighs. this feeling sucks.
not that having this lesson will change my studies and training much, but it'll definitely have an impact. i hope it does.
this post has a lot of achieve words, cause isn't that the aim of people, to achieve?
achieve expectations, goals in life, this and that..

my MCTs were so so bad, i'm embarrassed even to think about it.
kris, what happened to you?
at least i wasn't having sky-high expectations this time, or i'd just fall into depression.

not. heehee. hahahhaahohohohohho.

which reminds me of one of the best GP classes ever today.