sloth is as great a sin as lust.

the careers' talk has made me more confused in my non-existent future.
i'm so scared of the unknown.
from primary - secondary, and secondary - jc, it was still bearable.
it was just education, just in a new environment, teachers, friends and culture.
i will really miss school. once work starts, it will be fine too. a predictable existence. work, home, work.
but the transition from school to work, or school to uni (still a school but not really similar..), it's just so scary.

i have always (okay, not always, just since secondary school) wanted to work in the science field. i have no idea what, just science.
i guess my interest is just fueled by chemistry and stuff, it was understandable. interesting.
and i guess it was just in my head, science future, science future.

till now, not grasping understanding of my sciences at all, i still want to have a science future.
it's scary because i'm no longer in love with it but i still want to live my life revolving around science?
i really think it's just that i have no idea what to do, and my secondary school dreams continue to haunt, so it's just imprinted - science.

the talks have discouraged me from it though, i don't know why.
just so confusing, so hard to get into.
i am so aware of how when speakers come and give talks, they have wonderful stories about how, "i used to score USED (sorry, funny okay) but i studied really hard and got a AABB, then i got through the interviews, and YOU CAN TOO."
ya sure, because it only happens to 10 people?

it's has been an extremely demoralising time being in this school.
secondary school had been relatively breezy, it wasn't difficult to pass any subject. to get a good grade, maybe, but not so much passing. (except for humanities. ugh the essays.)

maybe it is the mindset that hasn't been altered yet that makes me take jc not as seriously as i ought to, and it has been really difficult to cope.
the worst thing is, i have realized it, but it hasn't struck me yet.
get what i mean right? i know it, but i'm not doing anything about it.
oh gosh i don't need scolding now, nor judgements.
we got the courses in uni and the 10th percentile grade today, and from 2008 to 2009 the grades have really improved so much.
a mere year, and the cut off can change from BBB/C to BBB/B, or BBC/C to BBB/C.
it's a huge difference, really.
ughhhhhhhhh.

i never thought of going overseas to study, but now, it's just a hanging question.
i'm not having any thing to work towards, time is zooming by.

this is my typical week.

monday - oh 3 homework! okay, do half.. oh computer! sleep.

tuesday - wake up, WHAT? i fell asleep?! never mind i shall no..t.. fal. ..l asl.e..e..p..

wednesday - i shall do it during contact time. eh cannot, this talk is mildly interesting. oh climbing, yeah baby.

thursday - aiyah teacher has gone through this tutorial, how. okay never mind i start reading next tutorial's lecture notes.

friday - not finished reading! aiyah halfway through?! oh no. wait climbing first. okay saturday, saturday a lot of free time!

saturday - s.. ..le. .e. p..

sunday - tmr slack day. sunday rest day. = tmr then do.

no i don't need scolding or judgements, as mentioned.
not to my face, anyway.