not for the happy

"call it envy or jealously if you like, covetousness by any other name would smell as sick. it all amounts to the same sad sensation of wanting what you cannot have and wanting it to the point of bitter frustration.

what is so wrong about a little coveting?

sure, it begins innocently enough with the seed of low self-esteem ill-nourished by constant comparison. someone else has something that you consider important to have and should that person be similar to you, the aroused envy becomes particularly intense because your entire existence centres around an overwhelming sense of entitlement: it SHOULD be mine."

i got this off broader perspectives, the 7 deadly sins issue, and it just struck me. cause that is what's been nudging me lately.
it's so damn difficult to admit, but of course, i know.

especially so, when i used to be better, but let myself slide.
i kept feeling the sense of.. possessiveness. but more like i could have that if only...
cause the world's foundation is made up of "if only"s.
if only.. *insert action*... i could.. ..*insert results*..
but i didn't, but i could.
so i envy.

and once you're better, you gloat. it's a never-ending cycle of sin.
you don't want the people you have surpassed to overtake you, and you get jealous, wary, cautious.
so you first envy, then you gloat. soon you get wary, and jealous........ and then you fall.
isn't it really this way?
18 years of age is still so innocent, but why i think this way is.. not only form observation, but from experience. not the gloating and jealousy part, because where i'm standing, what can i gloat over?

i'm talking grades.
this.. this is really too competitive.
it's horrible.
and this is our world, vastly different from not too long ago, or not too far away.
currently, while i fight to really try to sit down and study, people out there are fighting.
fighting for food, water, survival,
fighting for rights, for beliefs,
i don't know.
but this is singapore, i know i wouldn't want to go anywhere else.
i just have to get this shit over with soon, get over my expected disappointment with my results, get into a lousy course, have a lousy career and die early.

ah such is the pessimistic side of me.

how's this for optimism- As are gonna be over in less than a month!
no more studying forever! well not forever, but 8 months (for girls) and .. two years? for guys IS (do not grammar nazi me) forever when you have studied non-stop for 2763567 years.
woohoo optimistic me!



waa have animation waaa.