chemistry..... yet again

talking about the future depresses me.
giving up chemistry has no doubt been one of the best things i have done this year.... yet it also means that all that i would have loved to pursue will be cut off from me.

thinking, if i do love chemistry, if i am interested in it, i would do great for it right?
i mean, look at the other 253256235 people who curse chemistry to the depths of the oceans and study it just for their well-deserved As. and look at me.

i was just dining with kw and sj yesterday, catching up.
one smartypants from RJ, the other who went to MJ and became a smartypants.
and i'm not even kidding, they had like three As each for prelims. maybe the 4th was a B or something. i'm talking core subjects.
sucks to listen to people, you know, talk about H2 chem, about not getting AAAA but ONLY AAA.
about scholarships.
about future prospects.

in fact, while i was chipping in, sj turned to me and said "ahhh you.. we talk to you later"
not serious of course, but there's truth in it.
they asked what i wanted to do.
and i told them what i cut myself away from. sj knew already, and he told kw, "ya don't you remember since sec 3 she has always wanted to do chem?"

yeah........
what interests me?
i don't know.

i was actually...... thinking of perhaps entering a polytechnic.
i.... knew what i wanted. i wanted biotech in NP. or some other.
but i thought that with my results, i'd rather go to a JC to go to uni, because i was scared from poly, i wouldn't make it to uni.

confused.. and it's only barely a month since the As ended.
pure academic liberation signals the beginning of a haunting, confusing, array of choices.
limited by my less-than-impressive results and a H1 chemistry.