merry merry merry

let's all take one moment of silence to commemorate the merriness of yesterday, and focus on what's ahead.
ultimately, what's ahead is, of course, death.

i'm a christian, and i question life.
why?
one big, fat why for every thing that happens.
why the good?
why the bad?
why life, when we're going to die anyway?

we're born, we go through the endless motion of life.
fulfil our roles in society, complain endlessly, thank endlessly, suffer, enjoy....
allow me to refer to "the host", where on earth, it's endless vivid emotions and feelings, unlike any other.

you get to know people, we eat to not starve, study to .. nah i haven't figured that out yet. work also.
make a family for... that one too.
make friends to get through life.
find love to have a committed partner through everything.
so.. what happens when let's say, you hit your first decade.

maybe first death. a grandparent, someone distant. not that you're old enough to feel.
then later on, maybe someone closer. a sister. in an unexpected accident.
who says death comes only from old age?
then slowly, by 30 years old, you probably had a few friends, relatives, celebrities of importance, leaving your life.






so i protest.

i don't want to witness these all.
i am willing, most definitely, to forgo ALL the enjoyment, happiness, love, friendship, sibling hood, if i am spared the pain of losing it.

they say it's better to have the experience, to live a life, to, you know, feel.
but when you lose it, you stop feeling all of these, but pain. you can no longer find the love and happiness from the people.
memories, you say?
when you recollect, it's bittersweet. and a torture.
remembering good times.............. you can never have again.

so i want to die young.
i'm to be 20 next year, it's perhaps 15 years too late for my wish to come true. from when i could start experiencing stuff, you know.
i've barely started in the game of life, but i'm so scared to start.
i'm so lost, i don't want to play this horrific game.
i want to... for lack of better word, die.
i want to stop feeling, to stop existing, to risk a life of unsure happiness for an eternity of sure stillness.
i don't mean suicide, i still want a shot at heaven, if i may dare dream.

but if i were to die today, in my sleep please, God willing, painlessly too, i have in turn cause that much hurt i refuse to suffer, to those around me who care.
don't you see the awful game we're all in?
how one man's joy (death) is another's suffering?

these are the best years of my life.
the studying years.
worry free, compared to in the dog eat dog world.
i just have to study, and be concerned with my image and how to live a life.

oh! GOT IT.
how to solve the problem above is that we ALL die together.
isn't that a wonderful thought?!
not even sarcastic here.
that will be my hope.
for me and my love ones to die together.

every time i come out of the shower from my mum's room and she doesn't stir, i scare myself a little by thinking that perhaps she died.
but i never wake her, for she seldom stays asleep when i go in.
when she comes home late and i cannot reach her, i fear she may be murdered.

life is so unpredictable, and i don't like surprises.
no, i don't like unpredictability.
but thank goodness i can't see the future either. imagine all the deaths i cannot prevent, but know of it before hand.

purpose of this post?
nothing.
nothing, this is nothing. this will be gone soon.
just.. saddened by life itself.
lucky, lucky me.
living a life so wonderful, so comfortable, so luxurious, while people are out there fighting for their poor, sorry lives.
well.
that's just me.