thoughts that flow, yet do not

this past semester has gone by so fast. way too fast, yet not fast enough for me. does that make sense?
it was over before i realized it, it was only yesterday i was sewing my radial skirts for rag. yesterday that i went to broadrick daily and interacted with cute kids. yesterday i stepped into the AS7 seminar room for the first time.

i remember what prof yeoh wore for our first 3237 lesson. i remember her confirming with me that i'm not korean. i remember the blue polo shirt prof neo wore for my first 2221 tutorial, and the diet coke he drank in lecture. i remember justin giving me the opportunity to say what we didn't understand about our 3241 readings in the first tutorial. isaac giving me the surprised face when he saw me in 3103 tutorial and then a pitiful why-are-you-always-alone look. ph d, l and i walking back from science to sheares, getting lost from 1301 lecture.

the projects came and went, meetings where met and readings were read, and i'm down to my last paper. i really like what i studied this semester. especially for 2221 and 3241, nat soc and soc geog. it taught me much about the different lenses that we use to observe the world, lenses that occlude, lenses that include. it taught me that everything is a social construct. we are born a physical being, and constructed into who we are today.

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i have not gotten news, and no news is not good news. my hope has flickered out, and i just hope that these multiple, multiple setbacks will not make me lose confidence in myself despite proving time and again how un- i am.

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december is here. it's my favourite month, was my favourite month. i lie. i don't have a favourite month. it's the end. december signals the end of the year, like how the 30th/31st signals the end of a month. a sunday to a week. a midnight to a day. a 60th minute for an hour. it goes on.

what never comes as a warning is how fast an instant goes by.
a moment, a love, a dream, a kiss, a cry.
a life.
arbitrary quantitative means of measuring moments spent loosens the quality of it.
time flows, it is not discrete. why live it like it is?
i am one to speak. my life wholly advocates the blindness of mankind to deeper understandings of life. i for one don't intend to find out the elusive "meaning of life". in doing so, have i found it?

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i loved this semester, and like every other, i wish i studied harder.
i love what i studied, for which i am thankful.
i hated this semester, i didn't do what i could do.
i am about to end this discrete period of my life and i am going to end it in celebration of sleep.

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if i were dying, i don't want to experience all that i can in a day. i don't want to spend my last 24 hours awake talking to the different people who matter to me. i want to use it to sleep, to practice for the eternity my mortal body will face. i will hold the person dearest to me and not speak, for words will be beyond us, for words will not express anything.
i wish i could sleep myself to death. i wish for life and vitality in myself. i wish for health, for joy, for pain, just enough to keep me sane.