My emotions have been running wild these couple of days..
Ma was in a 'deep coma', on a Glasgow Coma Scale of 6 on Monday 9 Feb (a score of 8 and below is severe. it is out of 15. 3 means brain death, or something), her first surgery on Tuesday and second on Wednesday, we were prepared to wait for her to regain consciousness.
But we weren't prepared for how long.
We did not at all expect her to wake up one day after her surgery, on Thursday.
I was elated that day. mum woke, she held eye contact with me, yiyi accepted Christ. i could not stop smiling.

She smiled for the first time on Sunday.
Tried to speak yesterday.
More today.
She still has no voice, but she is capable of understanding and responding.
Oh, how happy I am!
I can stand at her bedside and watch her with her eyes open, smiling and smiling and smiling at God's gift to us, to her.
I can stand at her bedside whilst she sleeps, smiling and smiling and smiling at God's gift of her wonderful life, at the love that so many people has showered upon us, for the blessings we have received being in the prayers of so many people.
I am happy in school, telling people of how great mum is progressing. Telling them how we don't need financial assistance because my family has been so damn wonderful. Because ma has sufficient funds.
I am happy when people ask me how my siblings and I are doing, because I can tell them that I have wonderful mum-like aunts to look after us and my brothers to provide a constant in my life. They haven't changed much after ma is seen to be doing better- as annoying and lovable as ever.

Then night falls and I feel mum's absence.
I sleep late and I don't see her popping by my room chiding me.
I think of the funny faces she made the Sunday before she was admitted, and imagine how long it will be before she can make them again.
I think of how fast she walks, how I can never keep up with her, and think of how long it can be before she can even sit up again.
I think of all the times I have blocked out her nagging with earphones, and how I long to hear the simplest words in her voice now.
I think of her bright and cheery smile, the gorgeous, beautiful smile my mum has, and wonder how long it can be before I see it again.
I think of if she will recover fully.
If she doesn't, then what?
I mean, I know I have been tremendously blessed to have so so so so much from God- my mum's life, she waking up, she responding, she recognising us, she understanding. But I can't help but wonder.

When my aunts leave, it'll be just me Joe and Louis again in the house.
............
I ... just... really really miss my mama so much.
I wanna hug her right now.
I want to hear her silliness. I want to hear her laughter.

On one hand, I praise God and thank God for everything He has done for my mum. Nothing will change that fact that God is good and God is merciful and gracious.
On the other, I really want some normalcy back into my life.
I want my mama.