I'm having that funny feeling again. The one that I usually associate with anxiety. The nervous, unsettling feeling that creeps up all over me. I feel it in my tummy, I feel it in my chest. It's an unwanted feeling, and all the more odd because I don't know the source. Perhaps it's not anxiety, perhaps it's a stimulant I took. Sometimes I get a little edgy when I consume too much coffee. But my last cuppa was a cuppa teh close to seven hours ago.
Perhaps it's the left over upset from the intrusiveness into our lives once again. When I first got the messages I was focusing more on channeling my irritation and anger, and the anxiety was pushed to the back of the queue.
I do get the necessity of it, I really do. I also understand the good intentions of the people. And I truly, deeply appreciate it. Unfortunately, kristal is an obnoxious bitch who shows her displeasure a lot more readily than her appreciation, and I just want to punch all these people out of my lives. I know they question everything I do, and it's making me question everything I do.
Is it right to take on a full time job now??? I get two days off a week and I'm using these two days for tuition?! I'm still going out to help out in climbing competitions? You're still dating?? You go out with friends late into the night? Why aren't you back at this time. How can you come back at 1am and disturb your mother while she's sleeping? Have you sent the claims for the month? What about the other claims? Are you handling this right??? Somewhere along the line I stopped questioning myself and started scrutinizing me as an outsider.
I feel like I'm constantly making the wrong choices once I start thinking about my pleasure. Is it so wrong????? To make myself happy before making others happy? It's not even a matter of putting the mother's happiness before my own anymore, she doesn't know that I'm gone! Because it's what I do. That's the normal daughter I am. If I were to give up my life to 'help out', it's relieving the relatives and maid's stress. These are people I...... can't.... be selfless for. There. I said it. I'm selfish. Not even to take care of the mother will I give up my time. It's a constant pursuit of money, of relationships, of material goods. There's never enough time to split between these.
I don't like people in my life when I don't want them to. All the more when I know that they don't want to talk to me either. They are just doing it because "my mother is their sister". Way to play up relationships and establish love. Then on the other end of the spectrum there are people I want in my life who are drifting away from me.
Super cliche, but that's life. C'est la vie. Ha ha ha ha ha I hate it. I'll just..
"the world is no more permanent than a wave crashing on a shore. no matter our struggles and triumphs, however we may suffer them, all too soon they bleed into the wash, just like watery ink on paper."
This is my favourite quote and the ending to my favourite book, and it's, I guess what people say now, word.
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