time is going by so much faster than when i last checked

the com btch sia, no youtube.
which can or not be a good thing, since i cannot spend mad amounts of time watching interesting videos.

but what's the point, sighs.
i don't like studying at home seriously, i sat down to study for chem test, from 8 to 12 plus before i fell asleep. i mean, not like i actually studied from 8 to 12, but the distractions were just, !!
i spend roughly 3 hours on kinetics, and 1 plus hour on equilibrium.

i realized how tests magically, i'm serious, just magically forces me to concentrate.
i did not get equilibrium at all when i tried to study it a few weeks back.
now it just took me one hour to understand more than three quarters of it!

but it's so disappointing, as i was doing it i had so much hope of passing it.
not even getting a good grade, but passing it.
is that so hard to ask for, seriously?
i knew i kinda screwed up my graph, but i failed the test.
not that badly, but wasn't expecting it.
i was like, should not have studied at all laaaaaaaa.
but i'm happy that i tried(:

okay ya, blah blah didn't come out what i studied for and blah blah we're all studying for As ultimately and not tests, but.. but. but. But.
sighs. if i can't keep up, how to fking start revision.

the world is not my oyster,
[okay honestly? i just typed in "the world" in google and it came up "the world is your oyster" and i thought, whut!
i'm trying to show that i have the ability...]
oh screw it what ability, for english?

disgression which will not return to any topic on hand,
hello just thought that i'd like to say that,
being in learning circles
may
generally
apply for the students there that they have good GP abilities.
i use may, and generally, because i sincerely believe that i am an exception.
i was tempted to say that i'm the only exception, and actually i do believe that, but i won't, because i cannot say it as a fact.
my essays are bad, and i'm not even trying to be modest.

i thought my MCTs essay was bad, indeed it was. flunked it.
but i thought that the practice essay i did in class was okay. i knew that my arguments weren't strong, i was quite worried, i knew it would not get a good grade, but i really didn't know i would fail it that bad.
these are not exception cases.
i've been so on and on about academics recently, but isn't that what our lives revolve around now.

if not "JCTs in 2 months", it's "As in seven months".
uhm not heard anyone talk about prelims. either the nearest exam, or the most important one.
it's really short.
the econs lecturer miss wong was saying how MOE allows a maximum of only 3 years for our A level syllabus.
i was just thinking how i would love to take 3 years to learn.
the one year will not make a difference, at all, in later years.
only when we have a rushed life will we learn to appreciate a slower pace, so if i took 3 years to learn i might find it equally hard, actually.

reluctant to spend so much time beating myself up about my failures, but it's inevitable that we face disappointment, or i face disappointment, so that i can be truly contented with any good grades i have earned in the future.
if i don't, it's just too bad for me.
i can only sit and cry, wallow in deep regret and curse my stupidity, but i cannot do anything further.

good grades are not everything, i know that, but i can't help but just want it.
i mean, all this hard work, or "hard work" currently, isn't it not only for yourself,
but for the teachers you like,
for the teachers you don't like and you want to shove it (good results) in their faces,
for your friends who have worked hard with you,
for the people who have once looked down on you,
for the "friends" who likes to compare results and you get the satisfaction of saying, "A, how about you?"
for your parents, especially?

so many things they don't seem to appreciate.
"why got so many competitons and training for climbing?"
"ma, then i train one whole year for fun is it, no competition to test my ability."
".. .."
but really, how can they not?
i'm still her child,
and you know, singaporeans.. "my son is a doctor! yours?"
and little did you know, at home previously, "you so stupid, study so hard also no future, waste my money only la. go clean up the shit there!"

really.

it's my first difficulty tomorrow, i'm really excited for it.
i don't know if i'm having the right mentality, but i'm not going to be so stressed about results, even if it's what matters.
unless i slip or do something stupid la, haha.
i guess, if i gave it my best, i will force myself to be satisfied.

thou shalt not regret.