a/mess

//PA-GRE//

second last geography exam ever!

in exactly 12 hours at time of writing, not posting.

feeling shit as hell for not studying harder...... like every exam i take ha ha.

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might have done something i wasn't supposed to, and then i reflected on myself and my actions and how what i feel with regard to the something isn't, ... no, shouldn't be out of place.

but that's just a tit for a tat, and it's not how it should be. 

last sunday we did a chapter on God's holiness, revolving around His perfection, His justice, and His jealousy.

and i repeated over and over how we cannot begin to comprehend God in His ways, in His perfection.

we talked about how His jealousy is .. His right, for everything belongs to His. 

but jealousy for humans is .. not our right. unless you're talking about a couple belonging to each other.

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you only know what i want you to

i know things you don't want me to

your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine

you think your dreams are the same as mine

oh i don't love you, but i always will

i don't love you, but i always will

i wish you'd hold me when i turn my back

the less i give, the more i get back

your hands can heal the words that bruise

i didn't have a choice when i still chose you

oh i don't love you, but i always will

i don't love you, but i always will

i always will

- poison and wine, The Civil Wars
slightly edited

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it's as if i'm delaying the inevitable, ha ha.

on a side note, i feel slightly trashy, not in the "oo i feel like a slug" but the "o. i'm just another .. one." 

you know, so replaceable. and i actually did think for a little while, though i joked and said hey haha i bet you say that to everyone, that i was actually an individual to you. not an individual person, that's asking too much. no, i know i'm just another "type", but at least i'm a recognizable human in this "type"? 

you know, the feeling you get when you think you're someone, and you realize that you're made to feel special with the same tactic used to make everyone else feel special. 

when you're as special as everyone else, you're not special.

i know i should stop my pursuits. 

i have already stopped one. 

i thought i stopped all. for a while, at least. then i gave in to both. 

and then i broke away from one again, and i hope it lasts. i hope to remind my self how shitty it was when i went back. it wasn't worth it. it never is worth it, considering what is at stake.

i wanted to announce it, and i did, almost, then i stopped. that's stupid, it's stupid to do so, it serves to purpose, i thought. 

and it doesn't. 

and i'm kind of glad i didn't announce it.

and i'm rambling, when i revisit this later on i may not even recognize what i'm talking about.