we're not friends anymore, but i do so much wish we were, but we can't

currently going through that phase again.
tired. jaded. wanting to.. not so much die as to stop living. sigh.
i don't know, i just feel like i am so uncertain of the future. i like to know, i want to know. i guess i don't *need* to, but i want to. and not knowing adds to the jitters. but what if i know? self-fulfilling prophecy? haha.

i've also been thinking of my long lost friend for a long time. i even dreamt of you the other day. a long, weird dream. most of my dreams are weird, so this is one of the more normal ones i guess. a normal, everyday situation occurring in a complex and impossible web of relations.
i think about you every day, even if for a fleeting moment.
i want to make up for what i did, but i just don't dare to approach you. i mean, it's not like i haven't tried via the capable and impersonal digital communication, and you lovingly replied in the most confusing, robotic, impersonal, formal, polite and clinical manner.
but since i physically saw you again, i can't stop thinking how close you are from me. how much i want to plant myself at the same place i saw you, on the same day and same time, in hopes of catching another glimpse of you.

a lost friendship is a hard thing to bear. a lost friend once so dear to me, whom i never even got to be dearer to, is a harder thing to bear.

but i'm also over being the first to reach out.

over and over, it's always me.
it's always always me.

it's me who needs and wants.

time and again you see me reaching out to people whom i want to keep in contact with. more often than not, i never approach people. i never had the desire to keep in contact with most of the people i know. i could go months without initiating contact with all but one person. yet i was the one who reached out to you, and these others i thought were friends; i thought.. were people i could be friends with.

but ............

it's tiring. it's not that i keep score. "this time i texted, so you text me back the next time if not i'll appear needy". maybe i am, but if you never bother to reach out to me, i guess it's time for me to let go too.

the ball's in your courts. and i know that you won't return it. because i'm not worth it, isn't it? i'm not worth enough to be a friend.

maybe just.. a hook up, a date, an advisor, someone to laugh at, someone to brag to, placate me because you think i'm friendless?.....

see, i don't think you will be like that. like all these others. but then we never got around to being friends, so i'll never know. if i were to guess, i will be the one whom you .. no i can't imagine being used by you in any way. which is why i miss you so much. so so much.

meanwhile, i learn to let go.