strength

what is strong? what is strength?

I got called strong twice today, which is a lot, given the times i get that for the past 22 years of my life averages zero. 

and i don't mean it in the sense of 1-21. 

1. Marked by great physical power: a strong blow to the head.

2. In good or sound health; robust: a strong constitution; a strong heart.

3. Economically or financially sound or thriving: a strong economy.

4. Having force of character, will, morality, or intelligence: a strong personality.

5. Having or showing ability or achievement in a specified field: students who are strong in chemistry.

6. Capable of the effective exercise of authority: a strong leader.

7. Having great binding strength: a strong adhesive.

8. Not easily captured or defeated: a strong flank; a strong defense.

9. Not easily upset; resistant to harmful or unpleasant influences: strong nerves; a strong stomach.

10. Having force or rapidity of motion: a strong current.

11.Persuasive, effective, and cogent: a strong argument.

12. Extreme; drastic: had to resort to strong measures.

13. Having force of conviction or feeling; uncompromising: strong faith; a strong supporter.

14. Intense in degree or quality: a strong emotion; strong motivation.

15. Having an intense or offensive effect on the senses: strong light; strong vinegar; strong cologne.

16. Having a high concentration of an essential or active ingredient: mixed a strong solution of bleach and water.

17. Of or relating to a color having a high degree of saturation.

18. Having a specified number of units or members: a military force 100,000 strong.

19. Marked by steady or rising prices: a strong market.

20. Of or relating to those verbs in Germanic languages that form their past tense by a change in stem vowel, and their pastparticiples by a change in stem vowel and sometimes by adding the suffix -(e)n, as sing, sang, sung or tear, tore, torn.

           21. Stressed or accented in pronunciation or poetic meter. Used of a word or syllable.

or is it? i don't know. what is strength? what does it mean to be strong?

maybe you don't see the frantic worry that goes on behind the calm. the nightly tears that fall after the smiles. or maybe you don't see the apathy in me- i couldn't be bothered about what's happening around me. the self-obsession, the selfishness. i mean, why am i strong?

i'm not. indeed, i am weak. weak in spirit, weak in truth. if not for the Father, i am weak to nothing. 

i'm not strong. i'm scared to death about losing my mother, and then i comfort myself with the thought that i have already lost my mother. does it make sense? that's not facing forward, that's just going backward. that's also not being strong enough to have faith in the One who never fails. this weak faith to put up barriers around myself..

not to mention school. strong? strong is not procrastinating and giving half-fucked efforts. strong is not consoling myself that it's the last semester and i could hardly fail now, can i? 

i'm not strong. i don't even put up a strong front.

i just............. am too tired to care. talk about my dead father? sure. talk about my mother who might never mother me? whatever. i mean, it's time to grow up. that's not being strong, that's being realistic. and self-centered. who cares about mummy. i have my own life to lead, i cannot be weighed down by mummy. when i focus so much on myself, i don't need to worry about others. it's not strong, its cowardly ol' kris retreating, isolating herself from the outside. i mean, with no one close, no one can hurt me... right??

Lord help me. help me please. in all my weakness. help me.