not nice answer to not nice questions

it's been a long while since i've voluntarily gone to bed before the day is done, and woken when the day begun (poetic license for grammatical errors).
i know keeping late nights aren't too healthy. in fact it 's also when i probably consume half my calories for the day. while a typical person has breakfast lunch and dinner, i wake too late for breakfast but might have it anyway, then lunch, then dinner, supper, and a midnight snack. or something.

i've been a bit wistful lately. a bit more melancholic in the night. all the bills piling up, a sudden loss of a sum of money,  oh - and my favourite question: "how's mom? / how's your mom?"

i hate it.

2 groups- people i know and people mom knows.

1) some people are genuinely concern- who cares about kristal, i need to know the answers.
i get this most frequently in church, people pass me by and stop me- "how's mom?"
and i have to smile and answer some long-ass answer i don't want to and give overly optimistic answers i don't want to say and then i'll get interrupted by a curious passer-by who'll cut in on the conversation and say, "how's mom?" and in front of the first person, i have to repeat myself over with the same blank smile and cheer in my voice. those two words are met with immense sighs in my head and now, depending on who i speak to, i give patronising answers.

// digression = OH no my favourite- "how are your brothers? how are you?"
this is the worst. do you want me to break down in front of you and start bawling my eyes out and begging for money and for a mother's love and for help with all my bills? not that i need money, or a mother's love, or help with the bills. what do you want me to say? the only acceptable thing is to say i'm fine right, then how can you help me? how are you kristal? how are you coping? can manage at home?
YOU SAY LEH. Y OU  S A Y  L E  H.
i'm here smiling  and talking about my mother and i'm fine right?????
the worst was when X invited us to her home for lunch, and we barely know her- in fact i never knew of her existence before this WHY IS SHE SO IN MY LIFE NOW and she decided to be our closest friend.
i'm grateful!
i am!
these people have nothing but the best intentions for my family and for my mum. she wants us to share our burdens, she wants to help us manage our daily, give us practical advice on how to deal with a brain aneurysm patient etc.
BUT. i can't deal with the way it's done, okay? i don't like her. i don't like the way she goes about it, i don't like people intruding into my life. intrude into joel's and louis' life all you want, i don't want you in my life.

but.. mum is part of my life, i guess. intertwined.
i just want to go through a month without anyone asking me anything.
i've always been invisible, i don't want to be approached because my poor mom is sick.
i like being invisible, don't. don't come into my life.
don't disturb me.

and the thing is, i don't know how my mum would take it. she's usually so happy and open and friendly..
which reminds me, the other day someone say the week before she was hospitalised, she met mum at the MRT at church. and usually she is cheerful and waves and greets, but that time she appeared stressed and tired etc. she was trying to say what, that it's a warning sign that the aneurysm was going to burst is it? why will you notice her facial expression? she just didn't notice you cannot meh. why did you bring it up? is it to make us feel guilty for not noticing any changes in her the week before it happened, but you did?

i've accumulated so much anger and so much disgust for people around me because of this incident, and it's really really bad for my mind. i have bad thoughts almost all the time, and while i frequently rant and curse to my one and only, i would rather i didn't have these thoughts in the first place. it's really tiring to be a annoyed, so angry, so disgusted, so unwilling all the time. i really want life to go back to normal, quick.

so here's an honest answer as to how my brothers and i are coping, an answer i'll probably never verbalise to anyone.
my brothers? you ask them la you ask me for fuck? do i look like i have fucking balls and i know what dudes two years older than me or eight years younger than me feel like? okay i would actually ask people's siblings how they are la I KNOW it's just a genuine question of concern and that if i don't know i should just say i don't know, which i do, or say they're okay.
BUT ASK ME REPEATEDLY AND I GET ANNOYED.

as for me, how am i?
i'd be a lot better if everyone shut the fuck up and stop annoying me with questions about my mum, go visit her yourself, or ask people who have just visited don't ask me. okay they'll probably give you some shit answer like my stupid X have been doing "oh lol she can do 300+800 but she can't remember X or Y" like FUCK YOU ESTABLISHED HOW LONG ALREADY you want to give what sort of fucking retarded examples. as you can see i get exceptionally pissed when people misrepresent her condition LOL BUT I DO THE SAME HAHAHAHHA FUCK MY LIFE I JUST REALISED IT.
i'm so angry all the time, and it's a hell lot better now than when the fam was intruding exceptionally deep into our financial life. so you can imagine what a crazy period that was. i was so overwhelmed with anger all the time i really could kick a kitten or something.
i am good. my brother has taken over the house and is being as annoying as he used to be, except in more areas than before. and sometimes i cannot take it. it's like mum's nagging, except mum does it because she's my mother and joe does it BECAUSE HE IS FUCKING ANNOYING AND ON PURPOSE. a lot of caps in my response because you asked me how am i what, and i'm not fine. obviously not because i'm worried for my mum, have you seen her in my answer yet? no, it's because human beings are the most annoying.

extremely long digression over//

2) people who ask me for the sake of asking.
last sunday i sat at the back of the hall inn church, because i was with a new group and i didn't want to sit with them. the girl in front of me was there for a while, when she suddenly turned around - mind you she isn't my friend, i haven't spoken to her probably ever- and asks me, "how's your mum?"
so i smiled my joy joy smile to cover the little part of me that died inside, and answered her. and then she of course responded a bit, smiled very friendly, and then turned back around and would probably ever speak to me again. same thing for this other guy, except somehow i got the feeling he's a bit more concerned? at least he spoke to me before, and he doesn't do it in the most obtuse manner. so thank you.
and before class today someone asked me again. and it's sweet, because the last time i posted on instagram (lol) was like the week it happened, and it's really sweet people remember, and tell me the remember in this form. but.. like.. are you really interested, yknow. you're not my friend.. it's really nice you remember, but why ask me now? and again happened after class when they were in a circle and i was out of the circle and this girl just popped the magic question, "so kristal how's your mum?"
awkward silence ensues.
the group of all my non-friends turn to stare at me.
smiles.
she's in rehab.
i mean i am thankful they are concerned, i'm sure for my mum if not for me too. can't help but feel a bit.. nyergh like but you aren't even my friend, and it's not a very appropriate place to ask yknow.

speaking of kristal, this girl i've been group mates with for about a months now, was about to write our names for work allocation,
never mind that we've been in the same major four years, or that i've been in her group for a month, or that my name was written clear above hers at the top of the document, which she would have seen if she saw her name, which she did because she typed something there, or that i added her to the whatsapp group and my name is on it.
but she turned to E and asked vey softly.. "how to spell ah.." and E was like k-r-i-s... aiyah can already la don't need so long hahaha
the result: K-R-Y.
fucking the worst thing ever,
srsly kry man. how low can you go bitch.